I have always written. Stories, poems, musings. It is one of the ways I make sense of life and sort through my jumble of thoughts and emotions. I love language and and I love words – the myriad ways they can be used to capture a moment, a feeling. But my passion is poetry. Through poetry I can express myself in ways that hopefully others can understand; I can use the detachment of the written word to articulate what I would otherwise be to embarrassed, or tongue-tied to say face to face. So there will be poetry on this blog, as well as short stories and my general musings on faith, mental health and everyday life, as I understand it.
Last year I tried doing a poem a day during advent – I had found a poetry prompt advent calender online. Bur I only managed about 6 before I got too busy with all of the other pre Christmas tasks. This year I didn’t even start until a week in, but hopefully I can fit in more than last year in the next 16 days.
The first prompt was “Once upon a December” so this is what I wrote
Once upon a December night
When sky was dark but stars were bright
I took your hand and gave a smile,
We lost the whole world for a while
That frosty cold December night
Once upon a December eve
As snowflakes settled on my sleeve
We danced beneath the sky, care free.
So cold but happy as could be
That cheery crisp December eve
Once upon a December morning
As carols told of Christ child born
You took my hand and asked of me
myself, while down on bended knee.
Oh such happy December morn
Once upon a December day
While children wait to see the sleigh
You smile at them then pull me near
To breath devotion in my ear
This joyful bright December day
Over the years my self-confidence has waxed and waned many a time. I am glad to say that with the psssage of time this has happened with less frequency and mostly decreasing extremes. As time goes by I am increasingly comfortable in my own skin and less focused on what others (may or may not) think of me. After all, I am who God made me to be and I seek to embrace my identity as one of His children. I am still very much a fan of wearing makeup, but I am no longer reliant on it as a mask that allows me to face the world. This poem is one that was written at a time when my self-confidence was definitely waning.
I am not myself today I have come out without my face. In all the rush of this morning it was Overlooked. At first I was happy in my ignorance. All it took was one look. The fleeting question in the eye of a casual acquaintance Told me all was not as it usually is. As the realisation dawned I was horrified, and bowed my head in shame. I had allowed someone in. Allowed someone to see the real me in all it’s painful colours. And yet for that momentary flicker I would have gone about my day uncowed by self judgment or derisory expectations. So my feet are getting all my attention today as I withdraw to ignore this beautiful life in which I play a reluctant part
Day four of the poetry prompt advent calendar and the prompt was “unseen presence”.
You are here Beside me always. I know you are with me And though I may not see you When I stop and breathe I feel your presence. When I lie quiet in the darkness Your unseen arms enfold me And I hear your whisper in my ear.
You are the peace I know in the midst of the chaos. You are the beauty I find when all around is spoiled. You are the hope I find when the darkness descends. And when I feel ugly you remind me of my true beauty.
How sad that too often my eyes are blind to what you show How sad that my ears sometimes close to your words of comfort How sad that the petty distractions of the world oft obscure your truth And when worried I often forget that your hands hold me
But still, I know that your patient love is mine forever Your presence with me, though unseen, is eternal truth
Day 2 of the poetry prompt advent and the prompt is patience.
The in-between A time of malcontent When what is no longer amiss Is not yet as it should be Patience does not come naturally The grumbles burst forth unrestrained By manners or propriety And annoyed by my own agitation My hackles strain skyward
Yet still you do not respond My unanswered pleas for conclusion Hang unrecognised between us The strides we made in danger of being overlooked When still our destination is not gained
All in good time my child, all in good time.
My petulant cry – “Now is a good time” Dies on my lips As I finally meet your gaze And am engulfed in the love within.
So I found a poetry prompt advent calendar. Day 1’s prompt was simply ‘A candle’
The room is still Save for the flickering light of the candle on the mantel It’s orange cast dancing on the wall behind. The persistent motion is mesmerising as she watches through the window The light shed by the candle does not spread far, Showing her barely more than the silhouette of the familiar old chair His chair In its rightful position by the hearth. But the hearth is cold and empty. Summoning her courage, she takes the few small steps to the door. She pauses, sighs, hand on the handle before, Resigned, she pushes it open. The sudden chill that floods the room Is all-encompassing And the feeble flame is no match for it. As the door shuts behind her All is Darkness
I have a stash of old notebooks full of thoughts and scribblings. Some pages hold just odd lines or paragraphs, some poems I have maybe just started and never finished. And some have finished poems that I have long forgotten writing, or have never shown to anyone. I can lose hours reading back through these notebooks. Sometimes I am looking for inspiration – to take a line or a half finished poem and make something of it. But also I get lost in memories. Many of my poems, especially the older ones are really just me putting my feelings down on paper. As I read them I can remember what I was doing when I wrote them, or why I was feeling a certain way. I can also see how I have changed over the years – how as I have grown my perspective has changed and my confidence grown. This poem was written at a period when I was lacking in self confidence and was a bit of a social chameleon.
If only days were dreams And all not as it seems If only time would fly The hours racing by To bring you back to me, my love From far across the sea, my love
If all the sky were blue And all earth’s colours true If all the stars were bright To guide you through the night And bring you back to me, my love From far across the sea, my love
Now all the world is black The clock needs turning back Your final bed of wood Carried all it could And brought you back to me, my love From far across the sea, my love
[Apologies for dodgy sound mix – recorded on my phone! 🙈]
Lord I call to you, I cry out to you
I don’t understand, I feel so helpless
There’s nothing I can do, so I give it all to you
I feel so small, but you are mighty.
And Lord, you’re glorious
In your great goodness, I trust.
Lord send your power, to move in this place
Flood the whole world with your glory and grace
Send your mercy, send your healing
Let the whole world see your beautiful face.
Your beautiful face.
Lord I call to you, I cry out to you
I don’t understand, but you know all things
And as my tears fall, and as my heart breaks
I turn to you, for you are healer.
And Lord, you’re glorious
In your great goodness, I trust.
Lord send your power, to move in this place
Flood the whole world with your glory and grace
Send your mercy, send your healing
Let the whole world see your beautiful face.
Your beautiful face.
And Lord, you’re glorious
In your great goodness, I trust.
Lord send your power, to move in this place
Flood the whole world with your glory and grace
Send your mercy, send your healing
Let the whole world see your beautiful face.
Your beautiful face.
Your beautiful face.
Life, as I understand it 